The ‘Gift’ of Feedback

Many years ago I was part of an organisational development programme which was based on the work of a chap called Fernando Flores about how people communicate and engage with one another in the workplace.

It was incredibly useful and I still practice some of what we learned today. But it had one horrible flaw.

One of the messages was that any feedback was a gift that we should accept in that spirit. No matter how hurtful it was we were expected to be grateful for it.

We were told to get permission for feedback by saying, ‘Are you open to coaching?’ Thich was basically a euphemism for ‘I’m about to say something horrible to you and you have to take it lying down or else you’re not a team player!’

Some folk jumped on this jubilantly and weaponised it. They took it as carte blanche to tear other folk down, under the guise of ‘gifting’ them feedback – which, by the way, was never positive so not once did it feel like a bloody gift!

I remember a senior leadership meeting in which our CEO asked one of my colleagues (let’s call him Barry) if he was open to coaching. He of course said yes because even though we were told ‘no’ was an option, let’s be honest, ‘yes’ was the expected response. And the CEO proceeded to tear apart everything Barry had just said in the meeting.

A little while later it was my turn. He asked me if I was open to coaching and I looked at him with terror. I’d just seen him publicly eviscerate Barry! So I instinctively blurted out ‘No!’. Everyone recoiled in horror. Including me! The CEO looked a bit taken aback but said ‘that’s fine’ and moved on.

To this day, I don’t know if the feedback would have been useful, but I don’t regret saying no because one of the things I have learned is that feedback is often not a gift at all – it’s a power play. Coming from, ‘I know more than you/am better than you/can see your flaws which you obviously can’t…’

I feel the same about the term ‘critical friend.’ I have plenty of critics thank you very much – I don’t need it in my friends!! Friends don’t criticise each other – they support each other. They don’t point out their friends’ flaws, they celebrate what they’re good at and help them not to feel crushed when they make mistakes, fail or get criticised!

Let’s be honest. Unless you genuinely don’t care what folk say to you, critical feedback really hurts. Either because you already know what they’re saying is true and they’re just reinforcing your sense of failure or because it’s not true and you feel misunderstood.

So when you’re working with colleagues, at whatever level, think about the following:

Can you frame what you say so that they feel supported and motivated?

Are you sure they don’t already know what flaws they have?

Will giving them negative feedback change anything?

Can you highlight what they’re good at rather than pointing out what they’re not good at?

Do you ever give feedback which is just good? And if not, why not?

Are you self-aware enough to be sure about why you’re giving feedback in the first place? Are you genuinely trying to help them shine or doing it because it makes you feel better?

If you want someone to shine, is what you’re about to say, and the way you say it, going to help that or just leave them feeling tarnished?

I have come to believe that our job is not to be a ‘critical friend’ but to help other people to thrive and shine. And you don’t achieve that by ‘helping’ them to feel bad.

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